


Warrior

by grimeysociety



Series: I Prefer To Choose My Hell [1]
Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Daddy Issues, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, F/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-14
Updated: 2013-09-11
Packaged: 2017-11-19 08:51:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/571448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grimeysociety/pseuds/grimeysociety
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy is haunted by her family's rejection; she doesn't need the world to fall apart around her to lose control, fast.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Hello, My Name Is.

It goes like that.

Hello, my name is Darcy and I'm a recovering anorexic.

Darcy keeps her arms crossed at all times. She gained back half the weight she lost at college within a week at the hospital. Such is life when a doctor insists on 3,000 calories a day. She cooperates to gain the benefit of leaving her room every so often. She makes friends with the other girls. They nod to each other with in a sick comradeship. Group therapy is bullshit.

Darcy knew chaos before The Avengers, before Thor. Before even leaving for college, she knew the feeling of being trapped somewhere, and it wasn't just inside her own head.

She seemed indifferent to her family. But she'd never let them know, that it was their fault. They started it when she had to spend every second of her life begging for her right to exist.

She knew what it was like to love someone who didn't give a shit about her, someone who didn't care if she was alive or not. She didn't need someone to ever play the bad guy because they'd always been there.

She knew love unrequited turned into a tangle wrapping up inside her, only to be tucked away so as not to make innocent bystanders uncomfortable. Scar tissue.

She didn't need Bruce to know hate.


	2. Chapter 2

Darcy can't pinpoint when it all started. There are multiple origins.

Eating dinner with her parents; being told to finish her plate or she'd get smacked by her father and her mother would be sad. Food was on her plate and she should be thankful for it, her father yelled, pointing his fork at her. Finish it or you don't get to leave the table.

Use table manners or be put outside and eat like an animal.

Her mother never shut up about baby weight that remained after Darcy was born, as if carrying her for nine months hadn't been enough already. She didn't outright blame Darcy, but neither did she deny her any responsibility. Darcy's mom would grumble in changing rooms at the mall, Darcy sitting on her floor watching her mother sulking over her once flat, now and forever soft stomach.

Her mother said no to some foods and Darcy's father told her she was being stupid.

Darcy could blame magazines or the other girls at school, but that didn't seem fair somehow. She could eat with friends and sometimes feel guilty, but the voices didn't start until she was in college.

-

Darcy flung herself into her education. She was left to her own devices, so her eating patterns were scattered and she often ran on only a couple hours of sleep a day.

With everything going so well, the sudden pangs of anxiety were all the more overwhelming, clutching at her insides and making her stay indoors with the covers up to her chin for hours. The tears would dry and Darcy would pick up where she'd left off.

At least, it worked that way for a while.

Her roommate had a party with beer and boys. Lots of her girlfriends flooded in with giggles and sparkles. Darcy was suddenly aware of her scruffy clothes, her scuffed shoes, the fact that her hair never did anything she wanted it to, no matter what.

They all just seemed slinkier and brighter than her.

The next day when everyone had left, Darcy showered, her whole body aching. She toweled off and saw someone new in the mirror when she wiped away the condensation.

_Do you think those people actually like you?_

Darcy stared at the girl that looked back at her.

_They just feel sorry for you._

-

_Jesus, is that me?_

_Of course. What did you fucking expect?_

Darcy did a double-take at a photo of herself online. She'd been tagged in several on Facebook and resented the uploader.

It became not about losing weight, but instead just not eating. It wasn't that difficult.

With college Darcy was able to kill time chugging coffee and bumming cigarettes in between studying and classes. Each day just became a waiting game. Waiting off the time until she could return to her bed, even if it was just to lie there and fret.

She couldn't handle more than just one meal a day without completing losing it. She knew it wasn't safe, especially after she passed out a couple times at parties, really just falling over at the most inconvenient times. Despite working so hard on her body, it was still capable of embarrassment.

She had to run away when her roommate called her parents about her weight. The 'episodes', the word her mother used to describe her fainting, were 'alarming'.

Darcy returned to New York, her home, to be taken to hospital, thrashing, screaming about her finals.

She didn't have time for this.

_What a supreme fuck-up you are._

Darcy had a tube up her nose for sometime, missing out on six college credits.

So she ran away to New Mexico to make it up.


	3. Chapter 3

Darcy lives uninterrupted for months in New Mexico. It doesn't last.  
  
Jane is called away suddenly and Darcy moves back to New York, once again under the thumb of her father, even though she moved out to her own crappy cereal box-worth of space in the Upper West Side.  
  
She's struggling to pull on a skirt that she knew was perfectly baggy around her hips while she was in college. She chugs her coffee, frowning at her watch and stuffing her satchel with a copy of her resume and her keys.  
  
Finally finding her glasses case, her cell phone rings and she groans. She knows who is calling without having to check.  
  
“Hey, Dad,” she attempts a bright voice while searching for her patent black pumps amongst the mess of empty noodle boxes on the kitchen counter. The kitchen is also the living room, and her office combined.  
  
“So I'm thinking about your options, Darcy. I've been the one to bail you out every time -”  
  
“Which I appreciate.”  
  
Each time she'd changed her major, her father would fight with her and then relent. When she became ill six months ago, her father paid for that, too.  
  
“I don't want you mooching around the city any more. If you don't change things in a month, you'll get nothing from me.”  
  
Darcy froze, gripping her phone so hard she was sure it would crack. Without her father's tiny contribution, she'd never be able to afford her own place. She'd have to move back home.  
  
Darcy couldn't think of anything worse when she'd been living away from her parents for years.  
  
“Dad,” she said, edging on desperate, “I have a job interview in...twenty minutes and I'm running late. Please. Can we talk about this later?”  
  
Darcy hung up, knowing her father would make her pay for that later. He was scathing when she suggested changing to an English Literature major two years ago. He was horrified when she completed her degree in Political Science. He didn't see it as useful at all.  
  
Darcy's grandfather had worked in a coal mine after being in the Marines. Darcy's own father had clawed his way through law school, and her mother's family lost everything during The Depression. Darcy's parents were extremely self-conscious of their wealth and status, and how far they'd both come.  
  
According to Darcy's father, she was an ungrateful, lazy daughter by comparison alone. She'd been born well-off because her parents had worked so hard for her.  
  
Darcy bit her lip before hurrying out of her apartment.  
  
\---  
  
The job interview was her birthday present, Jane said by email. Jane convinced Tony Stark to consider Darcy as a new assistant for the Avengers Tower. Jane added she'd probably buy her a Norwegian snowglobe, if they had those there.  
  
Darcy missed knowing anyone around her any more. At least at the hospital there were all the other sick girls who always looked out for her, even if it just meant patting her on the back for having finished a blueberry muffin.  
  
Darcy vaguely knew what Tony Stark was like. She read Perez Hilton and other stuff like that. Not too long ago magazines served as examples of her ideal body shape. The women whose thighs she wanted were usually spotted by Stark's side, one way or another.  
  
It made her nervous to think that his time was spent with people who looked like that.  
  
\---  
  
She got the job. By some miracle.  
  
“Can you start tomorrow?”  
  
That's what Tony had said – he insisted "Mr. Stark" sounded too much like SHIELD to him, and Darcy wasn't from SHIELD. She just knew Jane and Thor. She'd stumbled into this little superhero mess.  
  
Darcy hadn't had a cigarette in six months, but the pent up anxiety from the interview had taken its toll. The second she was in the street again outside Avengers Tower, she spotted a group of young men huddled together near a basketball court, smoking.  
  
She approach the friendliest-looking one and gestured holding a cigarette.  
  
“You got a smoke? And a light?”  
  
His own cigarette dangled from his lips. Darcy could hear the house music screeching in his headphones that hung around his neck. He smirked a little at her and Darcy felt uneasy.  
  
“Thank you,” she said as he handed her the prize, and held a Zippo alight for her.  
  
“Thank you,” Darcy said again, and he smirked.  
  
“'Thank you, thank you'?” he sneered. Darcy stared at him and gave a nervous chuckle.  
  
“I'm just being polite.”  
  
It was probably the sheer number of eyes on her that were making her uncomfortable. She couldn't help but feel like a piece of meat from the collective leering.  
  
Darcy took a single drag before turning away, exhaling roughly through her nostrils. Her eyes began to water from the smoke.  
  
“Who was that fat chick you were talking to?”  
  
Darcy played it over again in her head as she crossed the street, not looking back at them.  
  
 _Fat. FAT._  
  
 _You're back where you started._  
  
 _Too fucking fat._  
  
Darcy had to cover her mouth with her free hand to muffle her wailing as she jogged towards the subway, and home.  
  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

Darcy walked straight to the 7-Eleven a street over from her apartment when she got off at her stop.  
She didn't slow her pace, even when she walked behind an elderly couple, their slow pace hitting Darcy with such irritation that she huffed and overtook them, readjusting the strap of her satchel. She ignored the cashier's face (he'd begun to recognise her by now, and sometimes smiled at her shyly) and went straight to the refrigerators at the back of the store and grabbed four cans of Diet Coke.  
  
She stalked home and threw her satchel to the floor as she shut her front door behind her, placing the plastic bag on the counter and going straight to the bathroom to find her scales.  
  
Darcy hadn't weighed herself in months. She'd tried distracting herself from calculating her numerical value (that was what it felt like in the hospital – she meant less the less she weighed, and the more she weighed, the more she was a human being and not a nuisance) for months, so once she retrieved the scale from under the bathroom sink, Darcy swept away the dust with her hand.  
  
She took off her shoes, took a deep breath, and stepped onto the scales. She didn't like what she saw. She was over 130lbs. That made her over 30lbs heavier than she was when she was in the hospital, and over 10lbs heavier than when she was discharged. Darcy didn't know how to feel. She just knew that this was the beginning of a different life. She was going to change forever.  
  
No more of this, ever again.  
  
\---  
  
Waking up at eight the following morning was excruciating since Darcy hadn't eaten dinner, and just chugged Diet Coke after Diet Coke and ignored her rumbling stomach, waking up at 3am with a full bladder.  
  
She planned to eat the tinniest amount possible that day, opting for just a cup of black coffee for breakfast. The morning rush for work was forty-five minutes, just as Darcy estimated. She arrived on Tony's floor in the Avengers Tower with two take-away coffees, both for her new boss.  
  
He seemed to jump out of nowhere, clad in scruffy jeans and a fitted black t-shirt, the reactor light visible from beneath the fabric.  
  
“Ah!”  
  
“Hello there, Miss Lewis,” Tony said, entirely missing her shock as he took the coffee from her and set it aside at the sleek black desk Darcy figured was her new workspace. Tony sipped his coffee and smacked his lips, doing a double-take.  
  
“Nice bangle,” he said, and Darcy didn't know if he was making fun of her or being genuine. It was gunmetal with a metallic edge. She noticed how it fit snugly around her wrist when a few months before it hung around her delicate wrists.  
  
Emaciated, sure. But that wasn't the point. Darcy's physical changes were all the more obvious to her now that she knew her weight.  
  
“Thanks,” she replied, unsure. “You seem...wired. You sure you need the coffee, boss?”  
  
Tony took another sip as Darcy just stood there, watching. She hadn't even put her bag down.  
  
“Oh, I haven't been to bed.”  
  
He said it casually. Darcy realised he must have become hyper from being tired. She made a mental note in case he was like this again (he was, all too often).  
  
“What?”  
  
Tony walked off, leaving Darcy standing there next to her desk, staring after him.  
  
\---  
  
Darcy began to feel light-headed within a couple hours. It was the carb cravings she knew all too well. Her stomach rumbled at around ten-thirty when she finally hung up the phone with Pepper Potts in Malibu.  
  
 _No. You won't be feeding it. Not yet. Wait._  
  
She sighed, annoyed to be reminded of her body when she was trying to work. Pepper had seemed very grateful for Darcy starting work at such short notice. She explained some things Darcy didn't know from the articles she read about Tony, like the fact that he despised paperwork, meetings, and being handed anything directly.  
  
“What, is it like court etiquette?” Darcy joked.  
  
Pepper didn't laugh. “He doesn't like germs.”  
  
Darcy couldn't think of anyone who _did_ , but she understood. She had her own habits other people found weird – hello, fasting for days on end – so she just nodded, but then remembered Pepper couldn't see her.  
  
“Right. No, I get it.”  
  
When she hung up and her stomach rumbled, she decided to visit the workshop.  
  
\---  
  
Darcy exited the elevator and nearly bumped into a man with the SHIELD logo on the shoulder of his jacket. He had dead eyes.  
  
“Sorry,” Darcy mumbled, side-stepping him and retreating, but the guy didn't move from his spot in front of the elevator doors.  
  
“Darcy, right?” he called after her, and Darcy stopped mid-step and turned back.  
  
“Uh, yeah. And you are?”  
  
“Agent Barton.”  
  
He looked her up and down, and Darcy felt her cheeks burn. He was probably taking in her chunky calves, her only decent skirt (the same one from yesterday) that strained across her thighs, and her sausage arms that poked out from her cream blouse with short puffy sleeves.  
  
Darcy narrowed her eyes at him. “I saw you on TV, right?”  
  
“Probably,” he said. He sounded kind of grumpy.  
  
The elevator doors opened and he left Darcy in the corridor without another word.  
  
“Uh, bye,” she called, giving a sarcastic wave.  
  
\---  
  
Darcy met the other Avengers in the conference room that afternoon. She had skipped lunch, so she already felt tested by the universe when she dragged Tony from his workshop. They still managed to be fifteen minutes late.  
  
Darcy sat at in a chair closest to the exit, weary of all the new faces that turned to her when she and Tony finally arrived.  
  
“Thanks for joining us, Stark.”  
  
Director Fury's eyebrows raised at them both. Darcy averted her gaze to her feet while Tony smirked, slouching beside her.  
  
Darcy tapped her pen on her open binder, looking around her. Thor wasn't there, to her dismay. She missed that guy. She hoped to see a familiar face.  
  
Agent Barton was there again, standing with a red-haired woman at his right, arms folded. She was slightly taller than Darcy, wearing dark jeans and an orange shirt under a caramel leather jacket. Darcy recognised her as the only female Avenger, the Black Widow.  
  
Her thighs were perfect. Darcy felt ashamed that that was one of the first things she noticed, and not the fact that Fury had asked her a question.  
  
“Lewis?” he barked, prompting her.  
  
“Yes. Hi,” she babbled, gaze swivelling back to him. “What was the question?”  
  
“I was welcoming you to the team.”  
  
“Oh!” Darcy felt herself smile for the first time that day. “Thanks, but I wouldn't say I'm part of the superhero squad.”  
  
There was an awkward pause, and the guy Darcy knew was Captain America scratched the back of his head. Coming from an outsider's perspective, she couldn't think of what else to call them.  
  
“Well, Natasha and I aren't superheroes,” piped up Barton, and Darcy felt her cheeks burn again. “We're Special Ops.”  
  
“Yeah, and apparently that guy--” Tony pointed to Captain America. “-- is _just a kid from Brooklyn_.”  
  
Captain America rolled his eyes and Darcy felt her lips twitch into a small smile. Tony shrugged.  
  
“And I'm not exactly a hero, either,” said a guy by the window, furthest away from everyone. Darcy found herself staring, since something in her brain clicked and he seemed oddly familiar to her.  
  
She scoured her brain for a guy with dark, curly hair with spectacles and couldn't find anything. She was sure she would have remembered him. She felt her stomach clench. Oh, shit – she hadn't met him in some bar and then blotted out the memories with too many vodka sodas?  
  
Tony rolled his eyes this time. He leaned forward and nudged Darcy in the ribs.  
  
“Dr. Banner,” Tony indicated. “But you probably saw his alter ego on TV. Or maybe his action figure when you were last at Target. _Hulk smash!_ ”  
  
Banner flushed, making brief eye contact with Darcy before looking at Fury pointedly, rubbing his hands together self-consciously. “Uh, was there any reason for this pow-wow, or--?”  
  
“I didn't call this meeting. It was entirely Stark's idea,” Fury snapped.  
  
Tony grinned. “You had to meet the kid sooner or later.”  
  
Darcy didn't know what she despised more: the fact that Tony had made them late to his own meeting or that he referred to her as 'the kid'. She was twenty-three, and at this point feeling more like a babysitter than an assistant.  
  
Everyone's eyes were back on Darcy. She cleared her throat.  
  
“I'm guessing Thor's not here since he already knows me.”  
  
“You know Thor?”  
  
Banner was looking at her more intently this time. Darcy smiled again, feeling the ice slowly breaking away and the nervous fluttering in her belly disappearing.  
  
“Yeah! I was working for Jane Foster when Thor showed up.”  
  
“She tasered him,” Tony added, and Barton laughed as Natasha raised an eyebrow.  
  
\---  
  
There was more anecdote-swapping and general chatting before Fury lost his patience and didn't bother to be polite about it.  
  
Natasha and Barton regarded Darcy (with a nod and a wink respectively) before they departed soon after. Darcy felt a surge of pride.  
  
“It's great to have you on-board, ma'am.”  
  
“Darcy,” she insisted, shaking Captain America's hand. His exceptional charm made him seem the more genuine, and he was easy on the eyes. “Please call me Darcy.”  
  
The Captain gave a nod and left. Darcy noticed Banner still looking at her in the corner of her eye. She pretended to be occupied with her binder as Tony waited impatiently by the doorway. She was surprised he bothered to wait at all.  
  
“Have...have we met before?” Banner asked, and Darcy looked up at him.  
  
“That's one hell of a line, Bruce,” Tony said, leaning and watching it play out.  
  
Darcy shot him a look. Surely he could find his way back to his own quarters. Tony took the hint and raised his hands, backing out of the room.  
  
Darcy didn't answer Bruce's question until she heard the distinctive ding of the elevator and Tony's whistling fade as he left the floor.  
  
“Uh, I don't know. I'm sorry I we have and I've just forgotten. Especially if it was when I was at Culver.”  
  
Bruce smiled. “Actually, it was at a hospital, but I didn't know you went to Culver.”  
  
Darcy felt her heart jump into her throat. If he was a doctor and knew her at a hospital, he'd know why she was there in the first place. She wasn't prepared for her new employers to know about being mentally unsound not too long ago.  
  
She didn't want them to look at her body and try to find the damage that was no longer there.  
  
 _You got fat._  
  
Darcy ignored the voice, opening her mouth but struggling to think of what to say. The panic must have shown on her face.  
  
“It's okay,” Bruce added hastily, concerned. “You never said why you were there. You seemed a little buzzed, though.”  
  
He ran his fingers through his already unruly hair and Darcy knew she was staring. He was endearing.  
  
And then she remembered.  
  
\---  
  
It was a week into her hospital stint and she was on a cigarette break. She was only allowed four a day, which meant she could also venture outside to smoke.  
  
It was welcome after hours of group therapy and painting her shitty feelings in watercolours. The habit of wearing baggy clothing was hard to break, so Darcy ventured out into the cool afternoon with her Zippo lighter and her hair a tangled mess at her waist.  
  
She shuffled to the side of the entrance where the other smokers loitered, giving a fellow patient from her ward a small nod. She didn't know the girl's name but she had the same spaced-out expression on her face Darcy was sure she had.  
  
It wasn't the jutting bones and frail limbs that made anorexics so easy to spot. It was the isolation in their eyes. Perpetual sulking. Zombie eyes.  
  
Darcy lit up and took a drag, leaning against a wall, before she spotted Bruce staring at the tiniest sliver of skin that showed between her sweat pants and her oversized t-shirt. She jutted her chin at him.  
  
“What, did I cut myself shaving? You going to tell me smoking is bad for me?”  
  
“I'm supposed to tell you stuff like that,” he replied, pen paused on his piece of paper. “I'm a doctor.”  
  
“Well...” Darcy let her sentence fade into the air like the blue-grey smoke that emitted from her nostrils. “Hang on, there's no way you're a doctor.”  
  
Bruce looked at her like he didn't know what to say. “Uh...why do you say that?”  
  
Darcy shrugged again. “The people who work here don't look anything like those fakers from Grey's Anatomy. You seem to stick out, is all.”  
  
He chuckled, somewhat bitterly. Darcy frowned at his disdain.  
  
“I don't mean to stick out, usually.”  
  
Several minutes passed as Darcy smoked her way through her two cigarettes, mashing the butts on the wall as Bruce continued to busy himself with whatever he was scrawling on.  
  
He was frowning with concentration and Darcy wanted to lean closer to him and stroke the tuft of curly hair that made up his sideburns. There were some silvery hairs she didn't notice the first time she looked him over.  
  
“Darcy,” she offered her hand to him under his nose, and he was forced to look up from his paper and gave a small smile.  
  
He took her hand, giving it the slightest shake. “Darcy.”  
  
“Aren't you going to tell me your name, Doc?”  
  
He shook his head, still smiling. “Probably not.”  
  
“Well, I'll see you around, anyway.”  
  
Darcy left him, looking back for a brief moment to see him staring straight back at her. She took a deep breath and walked back inside.  
  
Darcy didn't see him again. Not until just then in the conference room.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

Darcy woke with a massive headache. Actually, everything ached. Her vision wasn't too good either, but that didn't stop her from recognising the source of the voice.

“Wakey wakey, hands off snakey!”

Darcy screamed when she met a large pair of brown eyes – Tony's eyes – just above her bed.

_“What the fuck, Tony?”_

Darcy hurled a pillow and he just laughed.

“Hey, I buzzed you like, four times. You really overdid it, huh, kiddo?”

Tony smirked and sat on the edge of her bed and Darcy tried to sit up, drawing her knees up rubbing her forehead.  
Tony was referring to last night, when he decided to take Darcy, Pepper and Bruce out for dinner to celebrate the one month anniversary of Darcy being his assistant. It took Bruce some convincing to agree to actually show up, as it was obvious to Darcy from day one that he didn't like human interaction.

They went to a Japanese restaurant, mostly just because Tony wanted sake. They sat at a small round table by a back window, waiting for Bruce.

“He's coming, right?” Darcy asked Pepper, trying not to sound too enthusiastic. She didn't want them knowing too much about how she felt about Bruce.

She definitely had a crush on him. Every day she saw him at least once because Bruce worked in the labs downstairs from Tony's shop and Tony always seemed to make an excuse to stop by and annoy Bruce. Darcy would go looking for Tony and find him usually hovering around when Bruce was trying to concentrate.

Darcy would give Bruce this apologetic half smile and eventually drag Tony away (physically, by the back of the shirt), and she'd try not to think about how Bruce's chest hair peaked through his shirts. She'd bite her lip and avert her eyes and pretend the lab was boring.

She couldn't pretend for long, since she'd spent so much time in New Mexico with Jane and Erik. Although she mostly didn't understand whatever the hell it was they were researching, it was fascinating and so different from anything else Darcy had experienced.

Also, she knew Bruce from Culver, or at least, rumours of one of his experiments going awry whilst at Culver. Not everyone from Culver knew the gamma radiation from that particular project had made Dr. Banner into the Hulk.

“Yeah, if he can drag himself away from that breakthrough of his,” Tony answered, thoroughly bored. Pepper gave him a look and Tony shrugged.

“He doesn't have a girlfriend, I'm guessing,” Darcy said, and she was curious. In fact, dying to know whether she had any chance at all. Though she didn't. But she'd like to.

But she didn't.

Tony rose an eyebrow, suddenly interested. “Well.”

"I don't mean it like that,” Darcy said. (Though she did.) “I just mean if he's spending too much time at Stark Tower he can't possibly have...”

Darcy looked away, smoothing the tablecloth.

“You don't know about Betty, do you?” Pepper asked, and Darcy blushed, determined to not look at anyone in the eye. She knew she had a terrible poker face.

“I...I know about there being a Betty, but I don't know Betty. We don't have to talk about this now.”

“What, about Betty?” Tony scoffed. “That is long over. She was at Culver when he first turned into the Hulk. She had a personal connection with the General after him when he was on the run in Brazil.”

Tony looked at Darcy pointedly. She frowned.

“Her father, Darcy. General Ross is Betty Ross' father.”

“So her dad was the reason they broke up?”

“It's not as lame as that. It's worse. Banner was sure he'd hurt Betty so he fled to Calcutta after this incident in Harlem. Go ahead and ask JARVIS sometime to get you the SHIELD files on that, because it's an interesting read.”

“Tony,” Pepper sighed.

“He keeps his distance from people now because he thinks he's a monster, but I didn't get my ticket for the pity train,” Tony added.

“So The Avengers is why he came back to New York? But you're not even going on missions, right now -”

“It was the Tesseract and Fury needing Banner to find it that got him back from Calcutta, but he stayed in New York for the labs. He's trying to find a way to understand gamma radiation even beyond what he discovered at Culver.”

“I get the feeling that you're discussing something classified, Tony,” Darcy said.

“What's classified?”

Darcy looked up and saw Bruce by her side, his hand on the back of her chair.

“Nothing,” she babbled, and Bruce took the chair beside hers. She looked at Pepper and felt herself blushing. She just hoped that no-one else noticed.

“What took you, man? We're ordering.” Tony clicked his fingers at a waiter nearby who came over quickly.

“Yes, Mr. Stark?”

“Sashimi. And sake.”

“I'm not drinking,” Bruce said automatically. “I'll just have water.”

“It's not a Japanese restaurant if you don't have sake, Bruce,” Tony argued, and Darcy smirked.

The waiter came back with their food and drinks, kindly offering Bruce the water he wanted, and the four of them ate and talked happily, Darcy occasionally bumping Bruce's knee every now and again by accident. Or on purpose. Probably on purpose.

Darcy didn't try to think about eating the food too much. She'd been very strict with calorie intake for the past few weeks, but yesterday she had a doughnut without really thinking about it, and then spent at least an hour sobbing about it in the bathroom near her work desk.

She still wasn't handling food well.

To be polite, she had a couple pieces of sashimi but without the soy sauce, instead drinking way too much sake and giggling too loudly at anything remotely funny Bruce said.

Which is why Tony was over there at her apartment the next morning, forgetting personal space.

“That's kind of big, coming from you,” she retorted. “You drank more than me. You always drink more than me.”

In any other past employment, that kind of sass would have had Darcy fired immediately, but instead Tony just rolled his eyes at her.

“Your apartment is awful. This is an awful neighbourhood...”

“And the point of your visit is?” Darcy paused. “Wait, how did you even get in?”

Tony didn't look at her.

“You picked my lock?! You picked my lock!”

Darcy lunged at Tony but hadn't really thought it through, so she was about to slap his arm when the sharp pain of her headache took over and she remembered her hangover.

“Ugh!”

Tony just watched her clutching her head as she slumped back into her pillows.

“You want a drink?”

Darcy opened an eye at Tony and gave him what she hoped was a withering look.

“It's ten in the morning.”

“Hair of the dog?”

Admittedly it was appealing to Darcy since she ate so much last night and didn't want to think about her possible weight gain, and her scales were resting on the bathroom tiles just a few yards away.

“Sure.”

\---

After a couple of hours, they were both sprawled on the floor, Darcy's box of wine beside them. Somewhere amongst the time-lapsing fog of her binge-drinking, Darcy lifted her body just slightly so she was leaning back on her elbows, and she stared at Tony.

“Why are you even here?”

“Ouch,” Tony said with mock hurt. “That really smarts.”

“Seriously, Tony. Shouldn't you be spending today with Pepper?”

Darcy watched him frown and wave a dismissive hand. That wasn't a good sign. Neither was him bothering her on her only day off, just to drink even more than last night. But Tony liked to drink, everyone knew that. It still was weird that he was insisting on breaking into Darcy's apartment just so he wasn't drinking alone.

“She went back West. Something about fine-tuning an online commercial to get some more shareholders, I'm guessing.”

Tony sounded thoroughly removed, and he took another gulp from his paper cup; Darcy didn't own any proper glassware. Everything was either plastic or recyclable since she was so clumsy and didn't trust herself making such an investment.

Instead of prying, Darcy just reached for the wine box and poured herself another drink. There wasn't much left, but that was probably a good thing. She should stop soon.

“Can we put on some music? I hate silences. JARVIS – oh,” Tony remembered where he was after he looked up at the ceiling expectantly and there was no reply.

Darcy snorted and crawled over to her bed where her laptop lay dormant.

“Hold your horses, boss. I'll put something on.”

She powered up her computer and waited for iTunes to load, before putting it on shuffle. She knew she didn't listen to anywhere near as much metal as Tony, but never mind. It was her apartment, so they were going to listen to her music.

While she waited, Tony wandered over to her refrigerator without Darcy noticing. She turned back to see he wasn't lying on the floor, her head snapping back towards his voice as he complained.

“All you have is mustard. And pickles.”

He sounded disgusted. Darcy felt her face grow hot. She was only eating pickles at home right now because she couldn't risk any other potential binges. She didn't like Tony just barging into her kitchen area, opening what he didn't see was her safe. Her refrigerator was close to her heart, though she knew he couldn't understand that. He didn't hate his body.

Darcy sprang towards him, and slammed the door closed, but Tony didn't seem to notice her urgency. By then he'd retrieved the jar of pickles, despite his initial reaction.

Watching Tony eat her food made her feel oddly okay. If he ate it, it meant less for her, which meant she'd lose weight even faster. She'd met her first goal weight but hit a plateau. She hated those more than anything.

“Come on, I'll put something good on. You can order pizza if you're so hungry.”

Tony obliged, and they went back to her bedroom and resumed their lying on the floor, but this time Tony crawled over to Darcy and lay the back of his head on her stomach, and continued biting pickles in half and chewing loudly.

Darcy pulled her laptop down from her bed and pressed play. Given how loose she felt, and how comfortable they seemed together like this, she guessed Tony wouldn't mind her stroking his hair absently while they lay there together.

Well, she had her fingers sifting through his hair for a minute or so before she realised what she was doing, but Tony wasn't complaining.

_Is this the real life?_  
 _Is this just fantasy?_  
 _Caught in a landslide_  
 _No escape from reality_

Normally Darcy would be too shy to sing in front of someone else, but since she was so elegantly wasted and Tony wasn't a really judgemental person, even with all his snarkiness intact, she sang along softly, but by the time they reached the Galileo's, Darcy and Tony were yelling at the top of their lungs, giggling.

They were very drunk.

When Freddie faded away, Darcy sighed, and felt Tony thread his fingers through hers. She looked down at him, and there was a flash of something like sadness or fear on his face, before being quickly replaced by a cheeky grin.

“I like the outfit, kiddo. You should wear this on Monday.”

Darcy was wearing her pyjama bottoms with Hello Kitty's face dotted all over them; her tank top was fluoro green and tight across her chest. She suddenly felt embarrassed, not because of Tony's attention, but because she didn't feel right like this. She just wanted to look different much faster than the rate she was going. Her stomach never felt flat enough, no matter how little she ate, and it didn't matter how many sit-ups she did, either.

Darcy pursed her lips, looking away.

She must have looked miserable in that moment, because Tony sat up from his spot on the floor, squeezing her hand hard and gazing at her searchingly.

“Darcy, are you okay?”

She laughed a little at that, without humour. She gave a small, dark smile and finally looked at him straight on, and she knew her eyes must be shining because he suddenly looked so sad, too.

“If you're going to ask me that kind of thing, you at least have to tell me what's going on with Pepper. But I know you're not going to, so let's just pretend we're both okay and not ask questions, alright?”

Darcy nudged past him and got to her feet, looking back down at him.

“Okay, Tony?”

He nodded just slightly, and then reached over to empty his paper cup – and hers.

\---

Darcy had a shower and re-emerged from the bathroom still feeling a little drunk, but much cleaner.

Tony was sitting on the edge of her bed and looked up.

“I think Pepper's going to break up with me.”

Darcy dropped her towel she was using to dry her hair and walked over to Tony, and wrapped her arms around him, resting her chin on his shoulder.

She squeezed him, as if the touch would heal the sadness she could hear in his voice. He had never been like this before.

“It's okay,” she managed, nearing on desperate. She was pleading with him to perk up, to perk her up and keep her from further falling into this self-loathing that was building since she woke that morning.

“It's okay, it's okay, it's okay...”

Tony didn't really hug her back, not at first. But Darcy felt his hand on the small of her back and he returned the gesture, sighing.

Darcy drew back after a couple of minutes, concerned. “Is that why you came here?”

“I didn't...I-I didn't want to be alone,” Tony said, swallowing tightly, jaw ticking. “And you're becoming kind of a big deal to me, so...”

“Kind of a big deal? Gee, thanks, Mr. Stark,” Darcy said drolly, and Tony chuckled.

“Yeah, kind of.”

“You didn't want to see Bruce instead?”

Tony rolled his eyes. “Weirdly, he tends to avoid people most days, so I couldn't find him. He wasn't in the Tower. He's probably off save sick orphans or something...”

“You sound disappointed in him.”

“And you're not? A little human contact would do good for the guy,” Tony said. “And you.”

Darcy blushed. “Tony...”

“Look, I know what I saw last night. You kept giving him these bedroom eyes and he was either doing a really good job of ignoring you, or he really is that -”

“Disinterested,” Darcy interjected bitterly.

“Unobservant.”

Darcy moved away from Tony, scratching the back of her damp head and sighing. She should probably call her mother. She hadn't spoken to either of her parents for a week, and emails wouldn't be enough to satisfy her father's curiosity. She hadn't told them exactly who she was working for, just that she was an assistant and did a lot of filing, hence the use of the computer for communication.

Also, Darcy hated phone conversations because reactions were immediate, and her answers to prying questions had no delay.

_If you're worried about your parents judging you, you should be. They'll hate Tony. And they'll ask why you don't have a boyfriend. And you know why._

Darcy tried ignoring the voice but knew it was true. When her parents eventually find out Tony Stark was her boss, they'd freak, judging him on only what was said about him in the tabloids. They didn't know the real Tony, not the Tony Darcy knew.

Also, not having a boyfriend really sucked sometimes. Especially since her crush on Bruce was so pathetic and hopeless. There was no way he'd be attracted to her, ever. She was too dumb, and too fat. She just wasn't at all like Betty, she knew that. So really, why was Tony suggesting they get together if it was never going to happen.

“Tony, I...” Darcy hesitated. “I really like him. I mean, I really, really like Bruce but I know it's never going to happen, so I'd just rather try and forget about this conversation, forget about my feelings and just... move on. Grow.”

“Grow?” Tony rose an eyebrow.

“Be... better,” Darcy amended.

She didn't want to go into details about her plans to lose weight, buy nicer clothes and become a great person that she knew she had to become. Without changing herself there was no way she'd ever survive New York. She was too weak and had to become stronger or otherwise she didn't deserve this amazing opportunity Jane managed to get for her.

Tony just looked at her curiously.

“Sooner or later, you're gonna knock boots, that's all I'm saying. I will not hear the rest of this self preservation crap.”

Darcy punched him in the arm for that.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following contains explicit descriptions of purging which may be triggering.

It wasn't just a small trigger that led Darcy to be crouched in front of the toilet bowl, her fingers stuffed to the back of her throat, eyes leaking from effort and pain, the sound of the rain beating on her windows drowned out by her loud pulse in her head and her coughing.

Going back further, to the start of her week might help explain it. 

\---

After spending the day drinking cheap boxed wine with Tony, Darcy woke up in her empty apartment. It was dark out, and she didn't remember saying goodbye to her boss, or him even leaving at any point, so she must have passed out.

Darcy was on her bed, laying on top of the covers, still fully dressed. She sat up groggily and there was a small rustling of paper and she looked down, noticing something taped to the front of her shirt.

Darcy yanked it off, gazing down at what she expected to be a joke or something cheeky from Tony, only to see it was a check.

Tony Stark had taped a check for $10,000 on her person.

Darcy just stared at it in disbelief. She'd never even _seen_ a check for this much before. She spotted a marking from its other side and turned it over.

_Thanks for today._

Darcy didn't know what to think.

\---

Darcy sat at her computer at the Tower the following morning, not really taking in the screen in front of her, instead just fidgeting in her seat, waiting for Tony to appear.

He did some time later. He must have been in the shop, because there was a smear of grease on his forehead and his hair was sticking up in its typical Mad Professor style. He'd been inventing, most likely, since whatever time it was that he left Darcy's apartment. The look in his eye meant he hadn't gone to bed.

“Tony, I --”

Darcy's eyes widened and she shook her head. Tony just smirked.

“I really don't know what to say,” she murmured, looking at her hands. 

“Don't say anything, then, kiddo.”

Tony just shrugged.

So Darcy decided to put some of the money away, pay off some of her loans, and also replace her one pencil skirt with the entire first page of the 'New Arrivals' on the TopShop website.

\---

Tuesday was even better, for in some ways, Darcy made a lot of progress. Weighing herself first thing, she'd lost two pounds despite her sake and wine binges at the weekend. Relieved, (and a little enthusiastic to lose a big more of her thigh area) she felt confident about seeing Bruce later at work.

It was just before lunch when Darcy was inspired to retrieve not just the one lunch for Tony. She left him a ham sandwich by his elbow when he was running through calculations with JARVIS in his shop.

The holograms lit up his face, and he was barely distracted by her presence.

“You gonna eat that, Lewis?” he gestured to the potato salad she had in her other hand.

Darcy felt awkward for a moment, before explaining. “Actually, I was thinking about giving it to Bruce. The green herb stuff kind of reminded me of him. He probably hasn't eaten for a few days. Wouldn't want him Hulking out because of hunger pangs.”

It was a good lie. Darcy was a very good liar most of the time, but since Tony already knew about her true motives, he turned his head, eyebrows hiking up.

“Yeah, sure. Just don't break anything if you decide to bump uglies on one of the desks. You'd be surprised how expensive it is to buy beakers in bulk.”

Darcy would have died of shame if she hadn't snorted. “Oh, please. You could afford it.”

She looked up and saw what looked like another suit design, glowing just above their heads. Tony flicked away a few pieces, and spread his fingers to further zoom in. He drew a finger across to make it spin, and he clicked his tongue.

“Is there something missing?” Darcy asked, and Tony frowned. 

“I don't know,” Tony replied, which was strange. He usually acted as if he knew everything. “I keep tinkering these things and it just...”

It was true; Tony had built nearly fifty different suits. Darcy watched as he spun the hologram again distractedly. 

“Let me know when you're going to get some sleep, boss,” she said after a pause. “I'll be at my desk.”

“After you've been on Bruce's, I'm sure,” Tony said in a low voice, and Darcy rolled her eyes before turning her heel to leave.

In some ways, Darcy regretted having told Tony about her feelings for Bruce. She knew he'd act this way; try to make her feel awkward and nudge her into Bruce's path. No doubt he'd been bothering Bruce about it, too, since when Darcy came to the glass front door of the lab, Bruce gave a little smile at her when he heard her knocking.

She moved her fingers over the keypad but it flashed red instead. 

“What?” 

She said this more to herself, since usually if there was some sort of security change, she'd have known. She looked at Bruce again, who was still smiling from his chair at his desk.

“Let me in!” she called, knowing her voice was muffled by the glass. “Bruce!”

He just shook his head at her, teasing. Darcy pouted and he laughed. After a moment of just staring at each other, Bruce tilted his head up, and JARVIS let her in.

Darcy swung open the door and gave an exasperated sigh. “Jeez.”

“Sorry,” Bruce said, though he clearly wasn't. “Can't have just anyone barging in here. I can kind of get a bit jumpy when Tony tries to scare me.”

Darcy rolled her eyes, knowing all about how Tony liked to play grab fanny to annoy Bruce. 

“Yeah, well, don't worry,” she said, and placed the bowl of potato salad on his papers in front of him. “I brought you lunch.”

“Darcy, that was...” Bruce cleared his throat, looking down at it. “Sweet.”

Darcy pretended it wasn't a big deal, shrugging a shoulder. “Thought you could use it.” 

She watched as he undid the cling wrap and took a spoon from an abandoned bowl near even more stacks of papers, sinking it into the salad. He paused.

“What about you, you had lunch?” 

Darcy never had lunch. She always lied and maybe ate the occasional apple or hunk of cheese, but she wasn't feeling like eating today. She'd already got a head start and didn't want to ruin it. 

“I'm fine,” she said lightly, shrugging again. “Eat.”

“You sure? This looks really good.”

Again, they just stared at each other until Darcy relented. “Jesus, okay.”

She leaned forward, grabbing the spoon from him and took a bite. The sweetness of the mayonnaise mixed with the herbs made her mouth water. God, she loved potatoes. She felt the heat from Bruce's body so close to hers that she blushed, shoving the spoon back into his hand and wrapping her small fingers around his, clasping hard.

“Happy now?”

It was probably a bad idea, physical contact with Bruce, since he hated it so much and he was always so damn twitchy, but she was getting back at him, back at herself, for feeling like this. For feeling this way about someone completely out of her league.

Bruce didn't flinch, instead when she took her hand away, he put the spoon in his mouth, even though it had something half eaten still on it. 

Most of the guys Darcy had dated in high school bitched about girls and food, as if they were all the same; greedy little liars who ordered a salad only to steal their fries. She also had never dated anyone who liked sharing food, or at least didn't mind her germs.

“Very happy, thanks, Darcy,” Bruce murmured, chewing.  
There was another pause and Darcy considered seriously throwing him to the ground and straddling him. She could barely stand being around him, so it was no wonder this was the first time she visited him without Tony supervising them. 

Darcy opened her mouth to make a joke about the situation, to suppress the desire that burned in her belly, when JARVIS interrupted their brief silence.

“Miss Lewis, you have a phone call from a Mr. Laurence Lewis.”

Darcy remembered she left her cell phone on her desk. She bristled at her second thought straight after – her father had found out where she worked, or more specifically, the man whom employed her.

“Can you have him call me back?”

Bruce kept eating, not looking at her, and Darcy felt awkward.

“I'm afraid he's quite insistent, ma'am.”

Jesus Christ.

Darcy looked at the phone on Bruce's desk and then up at the ceiling again.

“Transfer the call down here, then,” she mumbled.

She sighed. 

“Do you mind?”

Bruce shook his head. Darcy moved over to the other side of Bruce and put the receiver gingerly to her ear.

“Hi, Dad,” she said.

He cleared his throat on the other end of the line. 

“So.”

“I was going to tell you,” Darcy said, and she watched in the corner of her eye Bruce putting aside his lunch and returning to his pile of papers.

He frowned in concentration and began writing a new line of equations. 

“Were you going to tell me?”

“No,” Darcy admitted. “How did you find out, anyway?”

“There was a photo of you with Stark at a gala I read about in the Financial Review.”

“Uh-huh.”

“It's hardly a career, being a secretary.”

Darcy's father said it like 'secretary' was a dirty word. He may as well have just spat over his shoulder after saying it, giving his tone of voice. And Darcy had been careless, because she should have prepared for this conversation. She hated thinking on her feet. It usually ended with someone tasered and drooling on the ground. 

“I'm not a secretary, I'm a personal assistant,” she said through gritted teeth. She must have sounded as vicious as she felt, because Bruce's pen paused for a moment, distracted.

“It's still not a career for a college graduate,” her father countered. “Even for someone majoring in... Political Science.”

“Who said this was my career choice? I needed the money!” Darcy hissed, lowering her voice now. She didn't want Bruce to know how penniless she was without Tony. 

She didn't want him to see her lose her cool. At least not any more than she had already. She wanted to scream. She hoped it wouldn't come to that, because then her father would definitely be yelling, and then Bruce would have no trouble hearing both sides of the conversation. 

“I'll call you later. Please. And don't call me at work again,” Darcy said through gritted teeth. “How did you even get this number?”

“The _phone book_ , Darcy.”

He hung up. It was just like him to make her feel stupid at the last second and give her no chance to prove herself to be anything more than some idiot her had for a daughter. 

Darcy knew her father wished she'd been born a boy.

Darcy retreated, avoiding Bruce's gaze. She covered her mouth in the elevator back up to her desk, muffling a frustrated growl.

She walked to the bathroom on her floor and promptly shut the door behind her, leaned over the toilet bowl and stuck two fingers in her mouth, ridding herself of the potato salad.

It was an old party trick.

Once she finished, Darcy spat and wiped her mouth with the back of her fist, panting.

\---

What triggered a major binge came a few days later. Darcy was busy with correspondence and needed Tony's signature. Finding Tony in his workshop stumbling around with a decanter in one hand and one of the repulsor gloves on his other hand, Darcy flew to him, dropping the papers on his work bench.

“Tony --”

“Oh, hey, kiddo. Just blowing off some steam.”

“Usually people try yoga or light a scented candle.”

He dropped the decanter as he shrugged.

“Oops.”

Even though he and Darcy hadn't talked about Pepper since last weekend, Darcy knew something was wrong because Tony had really overdone it this time. She knew it would take a fair bit of scotch to get him this clumsy.

“It's cool. Someone will take care of that...”

His words were slurring but his eyes were wide, staring into Darcy's gaze.

“Are you okay? Maybe you should sit down.”

“I am so sick of you asking that. It's getting really boring --”

He accidentally set the repulsor off and broke a light above their heads. Darcy jumped back, and Tony fell onto his knees and snorted.

“Yeah, someone'll fix that, too.”

“JARVIS? Can you get Bruce—Dr. Banner in here?” 

Darcy didn't know who else could help her. If Tony couldn't be controlled by her, maybe Bruce had the resilience to persuade him to rest. After all, Darcy knew Bruce hadn't had an incident for a number of months, not since Loki. He'd been in Tony's company ever since, and that put a strain on everyone.

Case in point, Tony trying to get up when Darcy wanted him to stay down. She pushed his shoulders and he gave a giggle and tried again, like it was a game. Darcy was going to lose her temper. 

“Tony, stop it. You need to just chill.” 

Darcy pushed him a little harder, and Tony retorted with childish spite, “Maybe _you_ need to chill. I'm just partying a little. What's the fuckin' deal?”

The lab door swung open and Bruce marched over, looking remarkably calm while Darcy knew she looked frightened and desperate. Bruce didn't look her way, and just bent down to grab one of Tony's arms to put around his shoulders. He steadied Tony, and started walking him back over to the desk.

When Bruce managed to get Tony to sit up straight, he studied his face with narrowed eyes. 

“His pupils are dilated. Did he take anything?”

Darcy realized the question was directed to her, and her voice stumbled.

“No. I don't think so.”

She couldn't believe Tony had taken drugs, because the situation with Pepper surely wasn't that dire. It couldn't be. They were just fighting, and Tony wanted to get drunk because he was sad. He wouldn't do that to his body.

He wouldn't lie to her that he was fine and smuggle something like this past her. 

Surely.

And yet Darcy felt that if he had been taking something while she was this close-by without her knowing, she was a terrible person for not noticing.

Bruce gave Tony a little tap on the face with his palm. “Tony?”

Tony mumbled something and then snorted. “No. Jesus.”

Darcy sighed and came and stood beside Bruce, watching as Tony kept shaking his head slowly. He smirked up at them. 

Darcy crossed her arms. “What happened?”

Bruce cleared his throat awkwardly. “He probably won't say...”

“I'm still here, guys. I can _hear_ you. And you were right, Miss Lewis, it's Pepper Potts again.”

There was a nasty edge to Tony's voice, a condescending manner that reminded Darcy too much of her father. Tony narrowed his eyes again at her, though his gaze was unfocused.

“And what's _your_ problem today, kiddo?”

Tony's eyes lingered on hers before they swiveled towards Bruce. It was too obvious for someone not to notice. He looked back up at Darcy and smirked.

Darcy attempted a light laugh, shrugging. “What?”

There was a weird pause and Dum-E could be heard moving towards the broken glass strewn behind them. 

“Why don't you take a few days off, boss? Go to California and visit Pepper, hmm?”

“Might not be a bad idea, Tony,” Bruce added in a low voice. “Would do far less damage than staying here and getting wasted.”

Tony scowled. “Yeah, alright. Can you guys just --”

He ripped off the repulsor glove and threw it aside. “-- leave me alone?”

\---

Darcy and Bruce took the elevator back together, knowing they'd be back sooner or later to check on Tony. 

Bruce did another one of his throat-clearing, awkward ticks and looked at his shoes before his eyes swiveled to Darcy's.

“I've seen him like this before. It could be worse.”

“That's not making me feel any better,” Darcy said, a little too harshly. 

Bruce scratched his head. “I guess it could be overwhelming since you haven't really seen either of us at our worse. You know, coming her after the Initiative.”

“I was there when Thor came.”

They didn't say anything else while they waited. When they reached Bruce's lab, he put an arm out to stop the doors. He paused, thinking, and then made a weird face and turned back to Darcy. 

“You hungry?”

Darcy looked up. 

_Always._

“No, but I can hang out with you while you eat.”

“That's not fun,” Bruce said, cracking the widest smile Darcy had seen him make since she met him. 

It was an expression so different from his usual twitchy characteristics that Darcy thought for a moment it was a fluke. And then she thought about wanting to make him smile again, if she could. She'd give anything to see him smile like that all the time.

“I don't think we're gonna have much fun anyway if we're babysitting Tony.”

Bruce blinked. “Fair enough.”

It wasn't that awkward at first. Darcy had spent time with Bruce before, but that was mostly just about paperwork he needed to give her to pass onto someone at Stark Enterprises about his R&D projects. Darcy knew there was only so much conversation that could be made about expense reports. She didn't know Bruce that well, and despite Tony encouraging her to read his files JARVIS had stolen from SHIELD, Darcy had been too afraid to.

And it was so stupid but even now after she was absolutely certain that she wasn't Bruce's type, she still felt the need to establish trust if – though it would never happen – they were ever going to be more than friends. 

They were friends after that night, however. By some fluke Darcy didn't run away when things got too personal.

Bruce ate some laksa while Darcy picked at her nails and sat on his spare swivel chair beside him. The smell wasn't fair. Darcy's stomach was empty now and she probably would just have a Diet Coke later not to go completely ballistic.

“I hope things work out with Tony and Pepper.”  
Darcy had changed the subject (from all things, the weather) and Bruce frowned.

“I wouldn't worry about it. They've been through a lot already.”

Darcy could see Bruce didn't like talking about relationships. It probably had something to do with Betty. 

“I just hope I don't have to deal with him like this for a while. I mean, if you couldn't stop him, we'd have to get Rhodey or the National Guard, or --”

Darcy laughed a little, though it felt so forced. Tony had really scared her before, if she was honest.

“I just don't feel like I'm cut out for any kind of violence. I mean, I have a taser. That says enough about me.”

“Really?” Bruce was looking at her a little differently.

“Yeah. I kind of...used it on Thor when he scared me.”

Bruce burst out laughing. He threw his head back from the force of it. 

“I feel really bad about it sometimes!”

“I'm sorry, but I just think that is the most hilarious thing.”

Darcy looked at her hands, smirking. “Well, it's an anecdote Tony won't ever get sick of. Says he and Thor literally fought over Loki in a forest and I managed to cut him to size with my taser.”

“It's impressive that you have one,” Bruce said, getting back into his laksa. “I know some people carry pepper spray and whistles but a taser is just on another level.”

“Another level of scaredy-cat.”

“No way. You took a job working for Tony with me in the building.”

“That's not the same --” Darcy stopped as Bruce looked up again. His expression had changed again to something far more bitter and resigned.

“You can't say I wouldn't hurt you, Darcy.” 

“Fine,” she said looking away. “But you haven't hurt anyone for a while.”

“I've thought about the risks long enough. I won't stay forever. I know I could be needed here, but...” Bruce paused and sighed. “It's better if I'm alone and out of the way. It puts too many people in danger.”

“I've wanted to run away, too, and I have, Bruce, but it's not like your problems go away. You have to _adapt_.”

She wanted to slap herself for saying that because of course Bruce had run away before and of course he knew he needed to adapt. She didn't mean to sound so stupid but she'd blurted it all out, her hands balled into fists. 

“Sorry.”

“It's okay. Why did you run away?” 

He was looking at her again with a strange expression on his face, the same one he usually got when he was at his computer or writing out calculations. 

Darcy knew she had to tread carefully here. Though she'd spoken to him about being in hospital before, she hadn't exactly specified why she'd been there, and how she ended up in San Antiguo with Jane and Erik.

“My parents,” she replied, and that wasn't a lie. 

She'd gone to New Mexico because it was too difficult to adjust to living with her parents again after college, and even just the thought of them trying to make her eat made her too anxious to sleep at night. Being away from them, she could lie and tell them her therapy had worked and she didn't need an outpatient program. She lied and said she wanted to eat when from the beginning she never wanted recovery. The truth made her feel both ashamed and free, because this all belonged to her.

“I really didn't like Tony back there,” she added slowly, aware Bruce was watching her. “He was scary, like, it reminded me of my dad's temper. He could just...snap.”

Bruce sat quietly for a few moments before he spoke again. 

“I can relate.”

“I feel like that's probably harsh though, because my dad just wants what is best for me and as a kid I could be a real little shit,” Darcy babbled, and tugged a hand through her hair. She hated sounding this ungrateful.

“Did he ever...?” 

Darcy had a memory of being slapped after she drew on a wall with crayons, and how livid her father was another time when she picked a neighbor's flower after being told not to. That time, her father smashed her Lion King plastic cup against the kitchen cupboards. She had been smacked many, many times.

“No.”

Darcy's hesitation gave her away. She didn't know why she felt like she had to lie. “He never got violent or anything.”

Bruce wouldn't stop looking at her and Darcy felt her cheeks turn pink and she stood up from her chair suddenly. This was as far as she was going to go, today. It was amazing that the conversation about her family had got that far at all. 

“I'm gonna check on Tony...”

\---

Bruce didn't follow her, which Darcy appreciated. She felt too exposed now and needed to work on her life story. She could lie and say she was in hospital for her appendix. A friend in elementary school ruptured theirs and told Darcy about it in every gory detail. 

But Bruce wasn't an idiot. He would have noticed her being so much tinier when he first saw her than now. Now she was bulging out everywhere and wobbling. Before you could cut yourself on her clavicles.

Darcy bit her lip as she waited for the elevator, determined not to look back at Bruce in his lab. 

She'd just lie and deny it, and if he ever confronted her about it, she'd just have to make him keep it a secret.

\---

The binge started on her way home from the Tower.

She arranged for the private jet to fly him to Malibu after lunch on Saturday. She reckoned that would be late enough for him to have recovered from his impending, excruciating hangover. Knowing Tony, he'd probably leave even later, but Darcy was sure he'd be with Pepper by nightfall.

Darcy just felt lonely. And sad. Watching Bruce eat hadn't helped either. Thinking about her family, especially her father, made her slip away from her plans.

She thought she was stronger than this. She _should_ be stronger than this by now.

She got off the subway a stop early and found a pizza place and bought three pepperoni pizzas. She then walked a little further to her usual 7-Eleven and bought a blue slushie.

When she got back home finally, she didn't really remember getting the food. It was weird not recalling her footsteps or even that it had been raining. She reached for her slushie and sipped it. She used to get the blue ones a lot in high school.

Darcy sat on her couch with one of the pizza boxes in her lap and opened it up, reveling in the rich, fatty smell. She took a slice and bit into it, feeling worse than ever but she was too caught up in the taste to deny herself this.

The voice in her head was screaming for her to stop. She'd bloat beyond recognition if she didn't. Nothing would fit her. Absolutely everyone would hate her.

She was halfway through the second pizza when her stomach churned and she stopped, just for a moment, to recover. 

In horror, Darcy dropped the slice she had in her mouth and looked at her sticky orange and red fingers and the grease on the cardboard.

It was already inside her.

She dropped the pizza box on the ground and stumbled to the bathroom. Her stomach had already blown up so much. It wasn't used to the strain. Darcy wanted to cry.

She had to get what she could out.

She thought of maggots wriggling around on her pizza, the maggots crawling in her mouth and up her nose. She had to think of _something_ to make her puke. She felt queasy, but nothing happened. She stood over the toilet bowl.

"Oh, come on!"

She wrapped her arms around her middle, clamping down on her stomach.

"Come _on_!"

Defeated, she used her fingers. It took so long to gag. Everything hurt and her throat burned at the pressure. She was violently sick, slowly, so slowly, over and over. 

Darcy kept coughing, and kept pushing, beads of sweat starting to form on her forehead and her back. She was gasping for breath when finally the blue slushie came back up, and she knew she'd done all she could to reverse this total fuck-up.

_Don't ever do that again. Never again._

Darcy sniffled and wiped her mouth with her hand, making more of a mess than before. She rested for a minute before leaving the bathroom to retrieve the last one and a half pizzas.

She tore up every piece, shoving them all into the trash with the boxes. 

Darcy washed her hands at the kitchen sink.


	7. Chapter 7

The weeks that followed Tony's visit to Malibu were as routine as they could possibly be with someone as unreliable as him. He kept Darcy occupied, which she was more thankful for then he would ever know.

After her pizza binge, Darcy had given herself an ultimatum. She was either going to keep a strict hold on herself or destroy herself deliberately. Darcy chose the former as it was too depressing to eat fast food and throw it up again soon after. It left a dent on her middle and index fingers and a ringing in her head. Clawing something out of herself felt far worse than restricting eating.

Each day would start the same. Darcy's alarm would wake her at 6:30, and she never had enough sleep. She set her alarm tone to the blaring air raid siren one and kept her phone on the chest of drawers on the opposite side of her bedroom so she had to get out of bed to turn it off. 

Darcy would have a glass of cold water and do some squats. Fifty at least, and one hundred if she felt ambitious or guilty or angry about something. Lunges and sit-ups were compulsory, even if somehow she was running late.

She'd take the subway and get off a block early to go to Starbucks to get two black coffees: one for her, and one for Tony. She walked to Stark Tower with a cigarette dangling from her lips. 

The only problem with time passing so accordingly for Darcy meant eventually something had to catch up or change again. The weather was getting cooler and fall was drawing to a close. This time Darcy always dreaded, because it meant Thanksgiving with her family.

Every year her father expected her there, and this time he told her Tony Stark wasn't an excuse to bail on family. Darcy had declined any dinner invitation her parents extended since she started working for Tony, but now that her boss was certain to spend time with Pepper, she couldn't say no. Darcy had thought about asking Tony if she could come too, but it was totally inappropriate. Not so much because she worked for him, but more that he'd say yes without hesitation and Darcy knew Pepper wouldn't appreciate it.

Darcy had Pepper just the once and they got on fine, but since Tony and her had been doing well recently, she didn't want to rock the boat. 

She didn't know what Bruce was up to. She knew he'd be spending Thanksgiving alone, and the thought itself filled her with such sadness she couldn't even say goodbye when she left work the day before the stupid dinner.

She switched off the monitor on her desk and went and found Tony in his workshop, changing the oil of one of his muscle cars. He looked up as she walked in with her binder under her arm. 

The only thing she regretted from buying her new boots from TopShop was the stomping they made. It made it easier for Tony to know when she was coming so he could hide or cover whatever he was up to if he was procrastinating doing paperwork and didn't want her to know. 

“Hey, kiddo. You heading out?” 

Tony had a dirty rag draped over his shoulder with a smear of grease on his forehead. More or less he had been significantly chipper the past month. 

“Nearly. I've got homework for you,” Darcy opened her binder and flipped through some pages. “I need you to sign off on these.”

Tony frowned, backing away with his hands up. “Ah, no. I'm off the clock.”

Darcy sighed, clicked her pen again and gave up. “Okay, fine. But like I said, homework.”

She dropped the binder on his desk, her eyes glazing over. She suddenly felt very tired and rubbed her eyes.

“Have them signed by Monday,” she yawned. 

Since the Avengers Initiative, Tony had the idea to assign specific floors of Stark Tower to the rest of the Avengers, and he was finally getting around to signing off each floor to SHIELD. In about two months, if everything worked out, the other Avengers would be living in the same building.

Darcy honestly couldn't think of a worse idea, all of them in a confined area (even if said area was a skyscraper) but even she couldn't argue against giving it a try. Also, Tony was planning to build a massive gymnasium on one of the communal floors, and Darcy wanted to use it since getting a gym membership felt like such a pain in the ass.

“Darcy?”

“Huh?” She must have missed something Tony said since he was looking at her with an annoyingly concerned look on his face. She was too worn out for him now since Thanksgiving dinner was on her mind. 

“You're off somewhere, kiddo.”

“Ha, I wish,” Darcy muttered, forcing a smile. “Not really looking forward to tomorrow, to be honest.”

Tony nodded, and though Darcy could tell there was something else on his mind that he wanted to say, he stayed silent.

On the subway going home, Darcy kind of wished she hugged him goodbye. 

\---

Darcy tries to not think about all the calories, the fat, the width of her thighs. It doesn't work for long, since she's calculating automatically and they're just on their first course. 

Darcy's mother piles up her plate. Mashed potatoes, turkey, gravy and peas. Darcy bites her lip and fiddles with the napkin in her lap and her father gives her a long look.

“It smells great, Mom,” Darcy attempts a smile. “But that's too...much. Too much.”

“Darcy, don't start.”

“She looks like a damn lollipop,” her father snapped, and Darcy tightened her grip on her fork.

Darcy felt her cheeks burn and she shoved some turkey into her mouth and chewed pointedly. Her parents start, too, watching her. 

This game gets old pretty fast so Darcy just eats everything on her plate with a furious look on her face. They eat in silence.

Darcy only eats some of her dessert. She doesn't really listen when her parents talk about what they're grateful for. Darcy just sips water and wonders if there's some way she can bolt to the bathroom and throw up without getting caught.

She decides against it since her father keeps an eye on her the entire meal. 

Darcy doesn't know how they get onto the subject of Tony, but they do, somewhere between her mother clearing the table and Darcy having a black coffee.

“What's Stark doing tonight, you think?”

Darcy looks up from her mug and frowns. “He's in California. With Pepper Potts.”

Her father's eyebrows hiked up. “Oh? I didn't know he had a girlfriend.”

“Yes, you did,” Darcy snapped, and she pushed her mug aside with a finger. “You're just trying to get a rise out of me. You don't know him like I do.”

That was definitely the wrong thing to say. Mr. Lewis gave a humourless chuckle. “I hope I never know him like you do, Darcy.”

Darcy knew this had been a mistake, coming to Thanksgiving dinner. She should have just trailed after Tony, hell, even just stayed in the Tower for the weekend to avoid this. She knew exactly what her father was implying, and that had just about done it.

“I'm gonna go,” she muttered, but Mr. Lewis wasn't letting her go that easily. 

“You said you were staying the night.”

“I just don't feel comfortable talking about this. You've got the wrong idea, Dad.”

Darcy was already picking up her bag at the front door and heading out. She knew if she kept talking the rage that was bubbling beneath her skin would simmer over and then she would say something awful that she'd regret. She hadn't felt this angry for a while and maybe it was starting to get to her, keeping these feelings inside for this long.

“Darcy, you don't lived a debauched lifestyle and then suddenly change overnight. It doesn't work that way, ever. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid and come home.”

Darcy felt the panic take over now. She could never come back. She wanted the city. She wanted her control. Her parents would make her eat like tonight every night until she exploded.

“I get what you're trying to say, but I believe in Tony Stark.”

Her father laughed again. “Right.”

“I know how that sounds, but –” Darcy paused on the porch. “God, you're just so arrogant.”

Mr. Lewis stopped laughing instantly. “Do you have any idea the amount of time, effort and money that has gone towards your... illness? And that you're just throwing away everything if you stay working for that scumbag?”

“He saved your life. He ran a nuclear missile into a hole in the fucking sky, Dad. And I don't have to be sleeping with Tony because he's my boss.”

Mr. Lewis just shook his head. “You lying little bitch.”

They just stared daggers at each other for a second before he raised a hand to strike her. 

“Go on. Do it. Do it!”

So that was how Darcy ended up with a bloody nose, stalking back through the city at midnight on Thanksgiving weekend. 

\---

Darcy didn't cry. She just felt numb and distant from everything around her. Even after she shook off the shock of the hit, and she wiped her nose on her sleeve, staring up at the wild look on her father's face, she didn't really register the pain.

She ignored his yelling after her. She didn't take the call when her mother started phoning. 

She just wanted to sleep for the next two days.

\---

There was a mark on her face when she was back at the Tower. No matter how much concealer she daubed on her nose, Darcy couldn't hide it.

Tony just narrowed one eye at her when she barged into his workshop with coffee. Darcy just guessed that if she acted like nothing was wrong, he wouldn't say anything, but that was a mistake.

“Kiddo...?”

Darcy avoided his gaze and mimicked his voice. “Yes...?”

“I had a great weekend, thanks for asking. Ate my weight in yams.”

Darcy looked up, but Tony didn't have a jokey look on his face. He twirled a spanner and watched her. Darcy sighed. 

“Good to know. You have a flu shot this afternoon.”

Tony dropped threw the spanner aside with a clatter. “Since when?”

Darcy took a sip of her coffee. “I scheduled this like, a month ago. Don't be such a baby.”

“Excuse me?” 

“You're excused,” Darcy retorted. “I'll come with you if you want. Hold your hand if it comes to that.”  
Tony finally took his coffee from her, scowling. 

“Loki threw you off the Tower not that long ago, and you're afraid of a needle? Why do you keep looking at me like that?”

Tony slammed his coffee down on his desk and Darcy jumped. 

“Did you get in a fight?”

His voice was quiet and calm, which Darcy just found too scary. She faltered.

“No.”

Tony just shook his head at her and Darcy felt her lips start to tremble.

“I fell.”

“And you broke your fall with your own face?”

Darcy very slowly put her coffee down and turned to walk away. Tony grabbed at her wrist, or at least, tried to stop her from running off. He ended up swiping at the air. 

“Darcy, go home. I'm sending you home for the rest of the day --”

“I'm working.”

“Damn it Darcy, you're starting to scare me and I'm trying to tell you I care!”

Darcy whirled around and stopped, looking at the floor. Tony made this odd sound at the back of his throat and lifted his hands to her face, tracing the bruise Darcy tried to cover. 

“Don't touch, boss. It hurts still,” Darcy whispered.

Tony winced. “Jesus, kiddo.”

\---

Tony was weirdly clingy for the rest of the morning. Darcy didn't argue when he told her to stay and help him with R&D (though Darcy never understood any of it and usually ended up having half of what her boss said go through one ear and out the other).

“My old man used to use me like a punching bag 'cos I didn't resemble a bottle of scotch.”

Darcy dropped her pen, since the comment felt a little abrupt.

“Uh...”

“I'm just saying, I get it. I know it was your pops.”

Tony was playing with a hologram before he scrunched it up and threw it up a ski-ball thing. Darcy thought it was interesting that he must have designed all of this stuff for his specific boyish needs.

“He got upset when I got upset. He was saying shit about some stuff,” Darcy muttered once she retrieved her pen and started tapping it against her notepad once more. “He doesn't like you.”

“Oh, the amount of times I've heard a girl say that about their fathers,” Tony gave her a wry smirk and a nudge with his elbow. 

“I'm serious,” Darcy countered without returning the smile. “He thinks I got the job because I'm sleeping with you.”

Tony moved away so sharply and jumped up, alarmed. “Whoa, okay. No.”

“You think I like the idea that my father thinks--”

“Look, I'm flattered, kiddo--”

“Oh, you should be so lucky!” Darcy snapped, throwing her pen at him, which Tony beat off with his arm.

Tony paused, hesitating. “Uh, that got really gross...really fast. I feel bad now.”

Darcy glared at him, arms crossed. “You should.”

\---

They roll into December and Captain Rogers comes by with Agent Romanoff in tow, and Darcy gets to show them around the Tower's new floors. 

“I used to work for Tony, you know,” Natasha said, and Darcy couldn't help but make a face.

“He doesn't like talking about that with me.”

“I wonder why,” Cap muttered.

The three of them rode in the elevator to the gymnasium and Darcy side-eyed Natasha. 

“Any reason why Agent Barton couldn't make it?” 

“Classified,” Natasha quipped. “And I had to persuade Cap to actually visit today.”

Darcy waved a hand around the room that held Tony's boxing ring and a couple punching bags. It as still a fixer-upper. “I ordered a lot of towels so far. Not much else.”

Darcy looked up at Cap – he towered over her and he looked a little bashful. “Are we going to have you living here, Captain Rogers?”

“I, uh,” Cap hesitated. “I already have a place.”

“Yes, but this is so you can serve the leader of the free world,” Natasha said. “And I'm referring to Director Fury, not POTUS. But a lot of people at the Red Cross appreciate your help in the city clean-up.”

Darcy blinked, feeling slightly guilty. She hadn't volunteered at all. Her excuse was that she may be personal aide to several superheroes by the new year. 

“I hope you do,” Darcy said, giving a half-shrug. 

“Where's Banner?” Natasha asked as they left the gym. 

“So you're not just here for Rogers.”

“You're learning, Miss. Lewis.”

\---

Darcy entered the security code to Bruce's lab and opened the door for Cap and Natasha, before leading them over to Bruce's desk.

Bruce must have heard them coming from a mile away because he didn't jump or anything when they burst in. He spun around in his chair and pulled his glasses off. 

Cap walked up to him and shook his hand with a smile. Natasha crossed her arms but gave Bruce a nod. Darcy hadn't seen Bruce that day yet but didn't know how she'd greet him usually.

She managed a small smile before looking away.

“So I'm guessing it'll be kinda like this if we all are here,” Bruce said, and then there was a bang from upstairs that didn't create much alarm.

“Tony,” Darcy sighed. 

“Oh, and don't forget Clint,” Bruce added, and Darcy felt a stress headache coming on.

\---

Darcy helps Cap move in – she isn't exactly sure what convinced him to, but then she's suddenly giving him security cards and codes for the Tower and he's moving his furniture without breaking a sweat.

Which she doesn't find surprising given her situation nowadays. 

Darcy however refuses to move in herself.

“It's too weird, Tony,” she starts for what feels like the tenth time that day. “And then I'll be working twenty-four hours a day, knowing you.”

Darcy was leaning on the ropes next to Tony as Cap went to work on another punching bag. Darcy was considering buying them in bulk along with the test tubes for Bruce.

“It was like that with Jane. Except you sleep even less than she ever did.”

Cap broke the chain and the punching bag flew across the ring onto the floor. 

“What's the point of this? Doesn't he have enough muscles?” Tony hissed at Darcy.

“I exercise, Tony,” Cap retorted.

“I don't exercise. Not really,” Darcy said, aware that both pairs of eyes were on her now. 

“You don't need to,” Tony said, and Darcy scoffed.

“I'm offended by that. I can defend myself fine.”

Darcy didn't mention her father hitting her since it first happened and she didn't want to know how Cap would react to the story.

“Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I should just leave the heroics to a bunch of...men. And you work with Natasha.” 

“Do you even know how to fire a gun?” Tony asked, looking her up and down. 

“Do you?” 

“I don't need to know. I used to make them, kiddo. I use a suit that doesn't require bullets.”

Cap started to unwrap the tape on his hands, frowning. “I'm surprised you never felt to be taught.”

Darcy and Tony looked at each other. 

“I'm good at clawing out eyes. I'm a gouger.”

Tony nodded. “I've seen her gouge. It's pretty intense.”

Darcy laughed a little, but felt odd realising for the first time why Tony had never wanted her to learn any kind of self-defence. He didn't feel the need to ever have her protect herself from an enemy when he always supposed he'd just protect her.

She was fortunate enough not to encounter any kind of danger working for Tony, but now that she thought about it, Pepper didn't have any kind of weapon on her person at any point, either.

\--- 

Darcy didn't mean to dwell on it, but when she put her flat feet in Louboutins, everything changed. She suddenly became dependable and safe.

She became someone.

She would smile a lot at work, but eating was still a huge issue. Breakfast and lunch were basically out of the question, and distraction and deception just came second nature to Darcy. 

It wouldn't last.

Nothing lasts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That ending was really abrupt and I'm sorry. I'm going to flesh out more of character development in the next chapter, I hope. It's implied that Darcy doesn't give much thought to her father's physical abuse, the point being that he is a violent person and Darcy hasn't yet stopped covering for him.  
> I've received messages from a lot of readers telling me I'm especially brave for writing this fic because of its subject matter but personally I disagree. I'm just being honest about real issues (though I haven't got too preachy yet, that will come later via a secondary character, I'm sure), and though sometimes when I'm writing I don't know where Darcy's issues end and mine begin, I am still relatively anonymous. I just don't want people to get the wrong idea that this is some kind of confessional.  
> However, if you have been struggling with self-image, disordered eating habits, depression, or other mental health issues, I would encourage you to reach out for help. If you are finding yourself triggered by any of the content of this fic, please stop reading, because it will only become more explicit the more I write.  
> Thank you for all the kudos. Wow, that was a really long note, but thanks for reading.


End file.
